Do family members influence the big decisions in our lives, like making major gifts?

Yes, often.

So how do you respectfully determine whether your donor(s) want to include family members in their decision about a major gift?

Here are some suggestions, step by step:

If the donor seems hesitant about finalizing their gift commitment and you've explored every aspect you can think of, ask them about whether they’d like to include family members.

You can say, “Is there someone else you’d like to talk with about this gift? A legal or financial advisor, maybe [btw, ALWAYS a good idea…]? Or a family member?” And then PAUSE and give them a little time to respond. By saying this, you have opened the door for them to include family members in the conversation with you, however they define the term “family.”

And don’t be afraid to help your donor invite family members into the conversation directly if you know the situation well enough. You can say to the donor, “Would you like to include ‘Tom and Betsy’ in our next meeting?” Chances are very high that they will say “No, that’s not necessary, but let me talk to them. I want to be sure they know I’m planning to do this.” Then you can say, ”When you talk to them, if they have questions or need more information than you feel comfortable giving them, please let me know and I will get it to you for them.”

Alternatively, if the donor responds, “Yes, I will ask them to be part of our conversation next time”, then you need to graciously say, “Sounds great. Let’s work on scheduling it.”

And yes, the conversation can get more complicated if family members are included. But if the donor wants to include them, it’s much better to do so than have the gift crash and burn later due to important voices not being heard.

OK, elephant in the room: What if the family member(s) are negative about the gift and try to discourage the donor by asking negative or even hostile questions in front of you, or behind your back after the meeting?

What do you do?

In the meeting with family members, be friendly (of course!), offer to provide any information that is needed and then listen. If possible, wait for the donor to invite you into their interaction with the negative family member before wading in. After all, their objections are probably not about your group’s work or about you as its representative. You’re there because the donor wants you to hear what their family member says.

Here's what to do:

Succinctly answer any questions they might have about the gift to your group or about your group’s work in general, but don’t engage beyond that.
Above all, don’t try to convince anyone of anything. Your job is to listen and be responsive when asked.
After the meeting (maybe even later the same day or the next day), follow up with the donor to ask how they thought the meeting went and if appropriate, what follow up information they think you can provide.

Give any follow up information to the donor to send along to their family member if they like; don’t send it directly yourself. I don't recommend getting involved in a further conversation with a negative family member.

At this point, you’ve covered all the bases you need to cover with your donor. By offering to include important family members in a meeting you have shown yourself to be open and confident, and your organization to be transparent and inclusive. Even if the donor doesn’t take you up on it, they will remember that you offered.

If the donor does take you up on it and you have the meeting including their family member(s), you still get points for being transparent and inclusive. And chances are still good that the major gift will happen. Sometimes the donor just wants those same points with their family members, for being transparent and inclusive!

So, bottom line, if the donor tells you there are family members that are interested parties in their giving, DO invite the donor to include them in a meeting.

More than likely the donor won’t think that’s necessary but you get points either way.

Have major gifts ever been derailed by family members?

Yes, I'm sure it's happened. But my guess is that in most cases the family members were not involved in a meeting with a representative of the nonprofit and the donor to discuss it. And in any case, you may never know what happened.

Sunshine is a great thing in philanthropy and major gifts fundraising, just as in life!