If you’ve worked much with major donors, you know how important it is to understand the ways family relationships can affect giving decisions. But it’s difficult to characterize just how this happens in order to apply a model to any particular donor, couple, or family

We tend to think of major donors as individuals, and occasionally that’s appropriate. Sometimes we work with a single person and they are clearly the only decision-maker regarding whether and how to make the gift.

But much more often we work with an individual who is part of a couple, a family, and sometimes an extended family – any or all of whom may exert influence on the giving decision(s). And remember, in some cases “extended family” can include deceased family members as well.

How can we understand whether and how their family is important to our work with the donor?

How do we respect their privacy while exploring ways to include family members in a part of the gift discussion that might make the gift much more meaningful? (To them and to your organization.) Or in ways that might enable the gift to happen at all?

A story to illustrate:

My Uncle Hank and his life partner, Jim, were together for 30 years. Jim had owned several small businesses and accumulated a nest egg, which Uncle Hank inherited upon Jim’s death in 2005. Beyond Jim’s nest egg, which he invested very conservatively to produce a small income, my uncle had no financial assets of his own other than a modest bequest from his parents (my grandparents) that he had not touched since receiving it. My uncle’s philosophy was that inherited money should be passed on, not spent (even though he had very little income). At age 70, after Jim died, Uncle Hank spoke with me about his desire to do something “good” with his own estate, and we explored charitable giving together. Eight years later, at his death, after several conversations with the local community foundation, he left a major gift to benefit several groups he and Jim had admired.

Uncle Hank lived alone after Jim died. But several family members were centrally involved in this gift:

1. Jim, deceased, whose life with Hank and bequest to Hank enabled and informed the gift;

2. Hank’s parents, deceased, who left him a bequest that he was able to pass on to my generation, which took care of his need to acknowledge his nieces and nephews;

3. Hank’s niece (me), who lived 1000 miles away but was in frequent communication with him especially in the years after Jim died, and supported his instinct to do something “good” with Jim’s money.

In this case, I was the one who contacted the community foundation by email and phone on behalf of my uncle at the beginning of the conversation, several years before his death. So they knew I was part of his decision-making. They did a nice job of following up with him, keeping me informed as he requested they do. Now that he’s gone, I have confidence they are using the funds as he intended.

The community foundation staff could have ignored my initial outreach to them because it was not from “the donor”. But to their credit, they understood what the donor wanted. They understood that my uncle wanted me to help him do something that followed his values, gave him peace, and at the same time helped his community.

And that’s my point for today.

Whether they are in the room or not, family members influence most of our major donors in their major gift decisions.

In my next article, I will explore a few ways to work with donors who want or need to include their families in their philanthropic decision-making.