When talking with donors gets personal
Very personal, emotional conversations - and not necessarily happy ones - sometimes take place between us and our donors or even prospective donors.
After all, donors have sadness, grief, and loneliness in their lives just as everyone does, and they often view us as people who care, even if they don’t know us well.
It may happen to you. Should you think through your attitude and your general responses in advance or just be spontaneous?
I’m always in favor of being prepared, but you have to be in the moment with your donors, too.
A couple of examples
You meet with a prospective donor on Zoom, and even though you've just met, you notice she seems lethargic and she has dark circles under her eyes. When you greet her and say, “How are you?” she breaks down in tears. She haltingly tells you that her brother, thousands of miles away, is very ill with Covid. They are close and she can’t go there to be with him due to the pandemic. What do you say? Should you continue with the conversation and bring up your organization?
You meet with a major donor to your organization. He’s a recent widower in his 80s, and in the past, he always left the personal meetings with you to his wife. Five minutes into your meeting, with tears in his eyes, he says “I don’t think I should be doing this today. It makes me think of [his wife]. She should be here, not me.” What can you say? Should you try to continue with the conversation?
What to do
First, be empathic and be supportive. Say what you would say to a friend – “I’m so sorry” or in the case of the widower, "You must miss her very much". If you have a brief anecdote involving her - or better yet both of them - it's fine to tell it. And then listen for a few minutes. They may want to tell you more and if so, you might need to say “I’m so sorry” a few more times. They need someone to listen, and you’re there. It’s fine. Just be supportive.
What not to do
Even if something similarly distressing or sad has just happened to you, don’t bring it up. If you find yourself breaking down in tears at the thought of your own situation, go ahead and let the tears run – it’s natural to feel empathy. But you are here for your donor and you need to put them first in this interaction.
However, what if a very perceptive donor notices your tears and says, “Have you had an experience like this too?” If you have (and many of us have recently), you need to tell them very briefly about it and why you understand their emotion so viscerally. But don’t dwell on your own situation – it's not the time for that.
Also, don’t offer advice of any kind. Just be supportive.
After a few minutes, your donor may recover their composure and want to talk about your organization and what it means to them. This can be a very natural transition if they lead the way.
But after 5 or 10 minutes, if they continue to express strong emotion, you can say, “I’m in no hurry and I’m glad to be here with you. But if you’d like to reschedule our conversation about [your organization], we can do that.” Often, the mention of why you got together to begin with will bring them back from the strong emotion, and chances are they will say something like, “Just give me a moment to compose myself and let’s talk about [your organization].”
If they want to reschedule, then you need to be gracious and say, “I’ll be in touch next week to set another time to talk. Will that be OK with you?”
Making it normal and right
Send them a hand-written note immediately to express your appreciation for them and tell them you understand their strong feelings and have heartfelt sympathy for their situation. They need to hear from you that it was perfectly OK for them to express their feelings in your presence and you look forward to talking with them again. Sometimes people feel embarrassed that they broke down in front of a relative stranger, and it helps if you essentially say, "It was fine for you to do that."
Given our isolation from others due to the pandemic but also the very nature of modern life, these conversations may occur more frequently than ever before.
And as a compassionate human being, you are ready.